Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!.

Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks..

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Ye….

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole..

My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow….

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle..

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory..

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after….

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street..

Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped..

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone..

I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character..

I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make ….

Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of ….

Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, t….

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges..

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me..

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car..

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah.….

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening..

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for m….