I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it..

Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for ….

I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical i….

I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outs….

I couldn't get away with Halloween pranks 'cause my parents owned the health food store. So, it was so easy to bust me. I was the only kid on the blo….

I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better t….

I hate all generalisations..

Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get ou….

My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect ….

There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there….

All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it w….

My friend and I were up to all sorts of shenanigans at school. But one time it ended up disrupting the whole class and we got in trouble. His parents….

Home is wherever I am. People make too big a deal about where you live. I try to be grounded in myself. Home is another way of saying 'a place where ….

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be..

You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing….

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the ….

Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and ….

I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could the….

I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt..

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start d….

The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY? Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Mot….