It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different variations of a joke until I land on ….

I'm the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and peop….

Maybe that's why I don't like religion because the first introduction to it was, you don't get to do that thing you just discovered that you really e….

Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy..

Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet..

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true..

It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way..

Everyone just did what their parents did. So that immediately made me skeptical of the whole religion thing, even as a kid. So I never was really int….

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice..

I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat..

Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn't really channel them..

I think absurdist humor is funny..

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy b….

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid..

Come on, man, I got a full beard!.

Most people would say 'the deets', but I say 'the tails'. Just another example of innovation..

I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with, or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all th….

Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday..

Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world..

I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that g….

I write characters that are based on elements of people I know and experiences I've really had..