I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that g….

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true..

I'm the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and peop….

When you meet someone you really like and connect with, I think that's very special, and not to be taken for granted..

You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal..

Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet..

I was surprised to learn that research showed arranged couples tended to be happier in the long run..

Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?.

If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw. If thou canst fly in the air, thou art no better than a fly. Conquer thy heart that tho….

It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way..

I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs..

London seems to be a town with a lot of comedy fans and people that really enjoy stand-up..

Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life..

To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times..

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road..

I never had the desire to be a professional Twitterer. Every now and then something dumb pops into my head and I'll tweet it. I don't feel any obliga….

It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different variations of a joke until I land on ….

Everyone just did what their parents did. So that immediately made me skeptical of the whole religion thing, even as a kid. So I never was really int….

Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy..

I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess,….

Maybe that's why I don't like religion because the first introduction to it was, you don't get to do that thing you just discovered that you really e….