I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!.

I got my start in silent radio..

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things ar….

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away..

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'..

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much..

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle..

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time..

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted..

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals..

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret..

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!".

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo..

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh..

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance..

What do gardeners do when they retire?.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years..

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap..

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age..

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?.