I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative..

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted..

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional..

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh..

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'..

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much..

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!".

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!.

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle..

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo..

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things ar….

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals..

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret..

I got my start in silent radio..

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away..

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time..