It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant..

When you are younger, you pretend to believe, but you are proving it to everyone and to yourself. The change comes when you know you're funny on the ….

I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thi….

When I go onstage, I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. It's one of those questions where any and e….

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to othe….

I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to. The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest th….

The essence of what makes life beautiful is the fact that it can go away..

When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!.

In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'….

That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!.

Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!.

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor..

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their ho….

What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes..

I grew up in the projects and I know how important it is for kids to have hope..

Everything I do is intended to make people laugh and think. I just think something is funny, it's not hurting anybody, not stabbing anybody, not shoo….

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever tak….

Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second..

The problem with the world is there's too many stupid people and nobody to eat them..

I'm not white, I don't apologize for what my country did to become great.

We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we w….