The essence of what makes life beautiful is the fact that it can go away..

Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second..

When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!.

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever tak….

Know your religion, know who you are and don't be ashamed..

I'm a spiritual person, I believe that if you read the bible, you get what you want from it. But, when you actually read it, you see the beauty, spir….

People want to complain... my point especially when it comes to racial humor is... we have that diversity, so I don't look at it like we are making f….

I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to. The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest th….

I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, bu….

Everything I do is intended to make people laugh and think. I just think something is funny, it's not hurting anybody, not stabbing anybody, not shoo….

In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'….

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor..

We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we w….

I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thi….

I grew up in the projects and I know how important it is for kids to have hope..

When I go onstage, I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. It's one of those questions where any and e….

Listen, here's my questions to anybody when they talk about comedy. When you are with your friends who don't judge you, what do you say? And if that'….

I was born in Honduras, that's where I was born. I live in California, where no matter what you say, you're Mexican. You understand that? It doesn't ….

I never, nor will I, put another person down to feel better about myself. I will live and die by what I do, not what anyone else thinks about me..

At the end of the day, I don't think I am going to be judged by what happened in the 90's and 2000's, at the end of the day my career will be judged ….

I don't need anybody, I'm successful in life enough to buy myself a f'ing sandwich..