That which does not kill you isn't finished..

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you..

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack..

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls..

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones..

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole..

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics..

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother..

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife..

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management..

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy..

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail..

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake..

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop ….

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding..

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years..

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you ….

Competition is the death of art..

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice..