I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "….

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse….

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I….

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole..

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever..

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act..

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day..

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers..

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling..

I live my life like there's no yesterday..

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you..

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes..

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves..

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summ….

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change..

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you ….

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity..

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love..

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time..

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs..

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby..