I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "….

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs..

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky..

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change..

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens..

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse….

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes..

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you..

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day..

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity..

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole..

I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant..

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act..

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great ….

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love..

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling..

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summ….

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves..

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I….

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby..

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever..