Explore Quotes by Dane Cook

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.