Explore Quotes by Daniel Tosh

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I_x000D_ don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?