Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a ki….

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood..

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow….

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner..

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets..

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them..

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's n….

Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making ….

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it..

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it..

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit..

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'..

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive..

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love..

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten count….

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!.

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen be….

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly..

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars..

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist..