I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it..

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's n….

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender..

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm no….

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars..

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit..

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist..

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood..

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love..

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen be….

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly..

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten count….

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a ki….

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them..

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner..

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets..

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying..

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow….

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'..