Explore Quotes by Daniel Tosh

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.