Explore Quotes by Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.