Explore Quotes by Dave Barry

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.