Explore Quotes by Dave Barry

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.