Explore Quotes by Dave Barry

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies.

I do not mean to be the slightest bit critical of TV newspeople, who do a superb job, considering that they operate under severe time constraints and have the intellectual depth of hamsters. But TV news can only present the "bare bones" of a story; it takes a newspaper, with its capability to present vast amounts of information, to render the story truly boring.

You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:_x000D__x000D_•The universe is even bigger than they thought!_x000D__x000D_•There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!_x000D__x000D_•Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life

Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.