Explore Quotes by Dave Barry

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer.

Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our highest priority is to get it to you, the public, before our competitors do. If the news media owned airlines, there would be a lot less concern about how many planes crashed, and a lot more concern about whose plane hit the ground first.

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?

The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.

My mother told me, “Son, it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.” I have tried very hard to heed those words.

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: _x000D_ 1. They all had editors. _x000D_ 2. They are all dead. _x000D_ Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.

I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.

Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.

Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat "what if?" questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.