Occupation: Comedian Birth: May 25, 1973
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know..
There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool..
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades..
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge..
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby..
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything..
'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards..
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door..
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of ….
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time..
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math..
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus..
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way s….
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize..
I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands..
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults..
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty..
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is..
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find..
It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted..
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'.