You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot..

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking..

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton..

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before..

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor..

President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to….

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other..

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to….

My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there..

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it..

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone..

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the gen….

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions..

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty..

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike….

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something..

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress..

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the….

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born..

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,….

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator..