Explore Quotes by Elayne Boosler

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

I’ve thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

The message of great art is to disturb.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.