Explore Quotes by Finley Peter Dunne

Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.

A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police.

The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

The last man that makes a joke owns it.

The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the eagle - on the back of a dollar.

A man never becomes an orator if he has anything to say.

A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.

Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.

There are no friends at cards or world politics

Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it

Politics ain't beanbag: 'tis a man's game, and women, children 'n' pro-hy-bitionists had best stay out of it.

There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.