Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall..

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there whil….

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spast….

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk..

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a ni….

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer..

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and ….

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your peopl….

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English..

We don't live in a shared reality, we each live in a reality of our own, and causing upset is often the price of trying to reach each other. It's alw….

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill..

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person..

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'..

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Sc….

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid..

I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech, when he got made Preside….

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor..

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can las….