Occupation: Comedian Birth: May 31, 1894 Death: March 17, 1956
A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself..
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange..
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me..
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure..
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'….
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap..
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done..
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference..
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips..
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt..
Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as can….
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners..
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans..
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized..
A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it..
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion..
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted..
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it..
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary..
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars..
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything..