Explore Quotes by Garry Shandling

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.