If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age..

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth..

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life..

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody..

I'd rather be over the hill than under it..

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up..

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair..

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down..

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast..

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible..

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere..

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle..

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city..

There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed..

Be quick to learn and wise to know..

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size..

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old..

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch..

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate..

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick..