The great secret of happiness in love is to be glad that the other fellow married her..

I am a strict monogamist: it is twenty years since I last went to bed with two women at once, and then I was in my cups and not myself..

So few men are really worth knowing, that it seems a shameful waste to let an anthropoid prejudice stand in the way of free association with one who ….

Experience is a poor guide to man, and is seldom followed. What really teaches a man is not experience, but observation..

Christian - One who is willing to serve three Gods, but draws the line at one wife..

All the political seers and sorcerers seem to be agreed that the coming Presidential campaign will be full of bitterness, and that most of it will be….

One horse-laugh is worth ten thousand syllogisms. It is not only more effective; it is also vastly more intelligent..

Only a jackass ever talks over his affairs with a woman, whether she be his sweetheart, wife, or sister, or mother..

In human history a moral victory is always a disaster, for it debauches and degrades both the victor and the vanquished..

Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh..

As long as you represent me as praising alcohol I shall not complain..

No reporter of my generation, whatever his genius, ever really rated spats and a walking stick until he had covered both a lynching and a revolution..

Richard Strauss--Old Home Week in Gomorrah.

Never underestimate the bad taste of the American public.

The martini: the only American invention as perfect as the sonnet..

Why assume so glibly that the God who presumably created the universe is still running it? It is certainly conceivable that He may have finished it a….

It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucin….

Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another..

All the charming and beautiful things, from the Song of Songs, to bouillabaisse, and from the nine Beethoven symphonies to the Martini cocktail, have….

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin or when he sees silver he looks for the cloud it lines. A wise happy person d….

That it should still be necessary, at this late stage in the senility of the human race to argue that women have a fine and fluent intelligence is su….