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You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
My wife's not some doobie to be passed around! I took a vow on our wedding day to bogart her for life.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achille's heel, if you will.
If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things.
I believe children are the future...which is why they must be stopped now!
Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.
You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
Good things don't end in -eum; they end in -mania or -teria.
I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.
Everyone knows rock n' roll attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.
I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.?
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