I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse..

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and o….

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either..

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stol….

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air..

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces..

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more..

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot..

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause..

When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the fu….

Modesty is my best quality..

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray..

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe..

Gags die, humor doesn't..

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs..

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, s….

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper..

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank….

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but ….

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, whi….