I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stol….

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe..

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse..

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere.

Gags die, humor doesn't..

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot..

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air..

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces..

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs..

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers..

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident..

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause..

Modesty is my best quality..

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and o….

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early..

When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the fu….

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old..

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray..

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more..

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either..