Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pus….

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't….

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture change….

They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't….

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like..

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money..

The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the lowlife's partner..

The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of the news - that's the la….

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a dr….

The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give ….

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country t….

Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his..

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different….

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen..

When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return….

Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they….

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and co….

Predictions are preposterous..

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my g….