Explore Quotes by Jay Leno

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Scientists are complaining that the new dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.