Explore Quotes by Jay Leno

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you'll feel so good, you'll be able to start looking for a new job.

Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we're friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and I've done Politically Incorrect several times. There's no reason to think competition has to be adversarial.

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.

Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".

President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed.

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.

You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network.

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

Clinton's pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they've turned Buddy from a Democrat into a Republican.

President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster?

Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That's scary.

As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.

The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.

Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt.

We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?

They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke but I don't want to get audited by the IRS.

The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?