Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die..

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry..

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing..

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the ….

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead..

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead..

I'm often asked, "What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted [The Tonight Show]?" I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed ….

People will pay more to be entertained than educated..

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners..

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill..

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty..

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives..

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is:….

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today..

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy..

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak..

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his val….

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is ….

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, a….

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do..