Explore Quotes by Johnny Carson

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.