Jonathan Swift

If a lump of soot falls into the soup and you cannot conveniently get it out, stir it well in and it will give the soup a French taste.

An atheist has got one point beyond the devil.

There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof, I hope, there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am not understood, it shall be concluded, that something very useful and profound is couched underneath; and again, that whatever word or sentence is printed in a different character, shall be judged to contain something extraordinary either or wit of sublime.

Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in at the ears, excites a titillary motion in those parts; and this, being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart.

All human race would be wits. And millions miss, for one that hits.

My horses understand me tolerably well; I converse with them at least four hours every day. They are strangers to bridle or saddle; they live in great amity with me, and friendship of each other.

What they do in heaven we are ignorant of; what they do not do we are told expressly.

Faith, that's as well said as if I had said it myself.

I said there was a society of men among us, bred up from their youth in the art of proving by words multiplied for the purpose, that white is black, and black is white, according as they are paid. To this society all the rest of the people are as slaves.

A favor is half granted, when graciously refused.

War: that mad game the world so loves to play.

Nothing more unqualified the man to act with prudence than a misfortune that is attended with shame and guilt.

Love of flattery, in most men, proceeds from the mean opinion they have of themselves; in women, from the contrary.

No preacher is listened to but time, which gives us the same train and turn of thought that elder people have in vain tried to put into our heads before.

It is a maxim, that those, to whom everybody allows the second place, have an undoubted title to the first.

I must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand.

The two maxims of any great man at court are, always to keep his countenance, and never to keep his word.

The lack of belief is a defect that ought to be concealed when it cannot be overcome.

For the rest, whatever we have got has been by infinite labor, and search, and ranging through every corner of nature; the difference is that instead of dirt and poison, we have rather chosen to fill our hives with honey and wax, thus furnishing mankind with the two noblest of things, which are sweetness and light.

Everybody wants to live forever, but nobody wants to grow old.

Party is the madness of many for the gain of a few.