I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents….

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night..

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The t….

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother..

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them..

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it..

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her..

Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted….

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside..

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day..

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them..

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them..

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say….