What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery..

One thing we are sure of is there's no one like Nelson Mandela out there. That's too bad for us..

All my adult life I've been in the practice of giving advice to people who are happier than I am..

I don't feel bad about losing..

Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but....

I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass..

Simón Bolívar is the only person in history to be exiled from a country named after him..

Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test..

You struggle with your demons and you conquer them..

I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care..

The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life..

I want to be governor [of Texas] because I need the closet space..

These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable..

I came from an upper-middle class home, which is always a hard cross for a country singer to bear..

If you gotta kill two birds, might as well get stoned..

If you don't love Jesus-go to hell!.

Always respect your superiors, if you have any..

The reason educational spending in Texas is so low is because you don't have a state tax there, and that's why Texas is big growth because you don't ….

I've been in true love many times. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. For if there's one thing I know about true love, it is that sooner or ….

Cuban cigars is a big expense because I do smoke a lot of them, eight to 12 a day, so that would be almost as bad as a cocaine habit, a hundred bucks….

It wasn't a healthy attitude, but it wasn't really a healthy world..