A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life..

Most people, of course, spend their lives caring about the wrong things. The worry about South Africa or Nicaragua. They spend so much time finding t….

The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life..

The good teachers are bailing out. Education is very important.... This should be the centerpiece on the table of Texas..

I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass..

If you gotta kill two birds, might as well get stoned..

What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery..

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes..

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevoc….

Simón Bolívar is the only person in history to be exiled from a country named after him..

I want to be governor [of Texas] because I need the closet space..

True love usually results in a hostage situation..

I've been in true love many times. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. For if there's one thing I know about true love, it is that sooner or ….

If you're patient and you wait long enough, something will usually happen and it'll usually be something you don't like..

You don't accomplish much by swimming with the mainstream. Hell, a dead fish can do that..

Remember, the Legislature is the joke, not our campaign..

Sometimes performing someone else's song is more difficult than writing your own..

All my adult life I've been in the practice of giving advice to people who are happier than I am..

If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!.

One thing we are sure of is there's no one like Nelson Mandela out there. That's too bad for us..

These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable..