A kiss is like a fight, with mouths..

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you..

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground..

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on..

I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your ….

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies….

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome..

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in you….

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex..

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write….

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground..

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe..

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free..

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me..

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up..

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go..

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life..

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?.

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. ….

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies..

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost..