The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in you….

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually..

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on..

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies….

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you..

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex..

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print..

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life..

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies..

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost..

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty..

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather..

I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made ….

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like..

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not pu….

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move..

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on….

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'Tha….

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is….

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners..

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes..