I spend my jollity on stage, so there is less in my own life..

The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones..

I failed to get into drama school, and my best friend told me I should do stand-up instead. I was always doing gags and voices, so he booked a gig fo….

You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost..

Eventually, somewhere - be it on the Internet or somewhere else - I will host some version of 'The Daily Show.'.

Catholicism has the clerical equivalent to a nut allergy - even a small exposure to change, and the whole thing will go into anaphylactic shock..

Christians, you and your churches don't get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules! Either stick to the….

I think it's important never to look yourself up on Wikipedia. I think the temptation to correct any interesting factual errors would be too much..

I'm more pompous and self-assured and determined that if - you know - if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed..

I'm best known as a stand-up comedian, but I'm a good actor in the right role..

Political correctness is as exploitable as any other progressive ideal, but its aim is to stifle the incessant noise of those who flap their careless….

All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of t….

Jews, I know you're God's chosen people and the rest of us are just 'whatever', but when Israel behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someon….

No one wants life to end. It was bad enough when my last tour came to an end..

I have a very good memory for scripts. I can watch a show I like once, then remember about 90% of the script. But ask me who was in it, and I wouldn'….

I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I'm a pretty good guy..

Never Google yourself. Seriously, don't!.

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music..

This goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: To the Jews, Christians, and Muslims. It's just a little thing, really. But do you t….

If you want something Scottish, go get yourself a kilt..

I find myself by default an atheist but fairly unhappily so. It would be bloody marvelous if there was a god..