In real life people fart, in the movies, people don't. Why not? Farts are a repressed minority. The mouth gets to say all kinds of things, but the ot….

Never retire! Do what you do and keep doing it. But don't do it on Friday. Take Friday off. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, go fishing...Then Monday to….

Humor is just another defense against the universe..

Being short never bothered me for three seconds. The rest of the time I wanted to commit suicide..

Cat angels are the reason there are no mice angels..

If you're alive, make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death..

Feeling different, feeling alienated, feeling persecuted, feeling that the only way to deal with the world is to laugh - because if you don't laugh y….

I love spaghetti and sex, sometimes together. My dream of heaven is walking naked through fields of pasta fazool..

If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country..

Comedy is serious - deadly serious. Never, never try to be funny! The actors must be serious. Only the situation must be absurd. Funny is in the writ….

Be interested in everything. You don't have to adore it. I don't adore hip-hop, I don't think it's great music, but I'm interested, I listen. I watch….

I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart...badoom, badoom, badoom..

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets..

I've been taught ever since I was a kid that sex is filthy and forbidden, and that's the way I think it should be. The filthier and more forbidden it….

When I was a little kid, if somebody said they were thirty-five, I'd say "Oooh, they're going to die soon". But as I get older it doesn't mean a thin….

Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you..

You want to be as smart as you can about being stupid..

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die..

Tragedy is what happens to me; comedy is what happens to you..

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes..

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said..