Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not….

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math..

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception..

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents..

You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists..

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is..

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in….

There is no such thing as #1 in art..

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if ….

I think if anything, the fact that it's popular right now makes me go: "Well, I guess I'm going to start doing something else then in the next few ye….

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, you….

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans..

I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'.

Eugene Mirman is the Andy Warhol of comedy. People look to him for what's next in comedy, and he emails these people back promptly. The Will to Whate….

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you..

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees..

To succeed in comedy you ultimately have to put in the hours and get lucky - The amount of people who are able to break through is so small a fractio….

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial..

I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness..

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated..