Occupation: Comedian Birth: January 19, 1977
If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo..
Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes..
It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth..
The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk ….
A long-term relationship is about showing up and working hard and banking on each other. If one's down, the other might be up and can help the other ….
I'm a comedian at the beginning and the end of the day. I'm not affiliated with any campaign, nor do I generally find politics interesting enough to ….
It makes me sad that corporations and media and Hollywood conspire to make people feel terrible about their bodies from the second they wake up ,so I….
But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and you are thrown into a pile of bodie….
I had always loved comedy, and acted out Steve Martin and Bill Cosby albums with my sister for my parents on road trips and stuff, and I loved to lau….
Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV show….
I want people to feel good about themselves..
On Twitter, I just want to make you laugh at all costs..
I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75..
In real life, I am alarmingly boring..
It's a good idea to have a break, to let your mind rest and so you can start to cultivate ideas..
In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken l….
Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He’s irresistible to me. I mean seriously, I want to pay less attention to him..
Elderly people, I have found, when they're being honest, are also scumbags, and enjoy a little prurient humour as well..
On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these thi….
My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter..
I was an extroverted kid and performed, like, acting and singing. Then, the older I got, I realized I enjoyed performing things that I came up with m….