Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony..

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death..

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a d….

Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got..

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing..

If you are one of the hewers of wood and drawers of small weekly paychecks, your letters will have to contain some few items of news or they will be ….

My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out..

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success..

There seems to be a common strain of miserliness in the American people when it comes to throwing away toothpaste tubes which havea little left in th….

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge..

What is the disease which manifests itself in an inability to leave a party--any party at all--until it is all over and the lightsare being put out?.….

The wise man thinks once before he speaks twice..

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not..

I once heard a woman laugh at that most tragic moment in all drama, the off-stage shot in "The Wild Duck," and I afterward had her killed, so there w….

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment..

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well..

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous..

Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books.

Anything can happen, but it usually doesn't..

There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory..

I have often wondered how they manage to get return envelopes which miss, by one-quarter of an inch, fitting the blank you are supposed to return. Th….