Explore Quotes by Robert Benchley

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get out a new book by him each year.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.