Explore Quotes by Robert Benchley

There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men.

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

There is probably no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for end, than the returning vacationist.

If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out.

The problem of what to wear while lolling about the house on a Sunday afternoon is becoming more and more acute as the fashions in lolling garments change. The American home is in danger of taking on the appearance of an Oriental bordello.

Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one

A man of forty today has nothing to worry him but falling hair, inability to button the top button, failing vision, shortness of breath, a tendency of the collar to shut off all breathing, trembling of the kidneys to whatever tune the orchestra is playing, and a general sense of giddiness when the matter of rent is brought up. Forty is Life's Golden Age.

One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has been allowed to run down fearfully.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example.

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.

A man may take care of a furnace for twenty-five years and still forget to duck his head when he starts going down the cellar stairs.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

She sleeps alone at last.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got.

The only cure for a real hangover is death.