In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards..

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans..

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am..

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake..

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've go….

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity..

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand..

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough..

Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper un….

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp..

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt..

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?.

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money..

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does..

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias..

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping..

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are..

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us..

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work..

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth..

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorro….