Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.